Today I had another thought – I could be a doctor. Not a surgeon, or a specialty doctor, but a general practitioner. I will not need any pre-med, medical school, residency, or very much training at all. I will set up an office, and you will come. First my nurse or assistant or whoever that person is will weigh you and ask you what’s wrong – or something like that. Then they will tell you to wait for me. I will enter in a friendly way and give you about three basic tests, like reflexes and that popsicle under the tongue thing.

You will then tell me what’s wrong, essentially diagnosing yourself. If you’re lucky, I will actually diagnose you with a good guess, or I may just walk out of the room and leave you wondering. If you have a specific problem that I don’t know anything about (which is just about everything beyond having a cold) I will send you off to see a specialist, e.g. my buddy I play golf with who is at least trained in something specific. So I’m off the hook. If not, I will give you a general prescription, and you’ll be on your way!

At 11:30am, I’m done for the day and it’s off to lunch and a round of golf. I’d be an ethical doctor and not milk you for your health insurance by giving you some weird and unnecessary tests, so that’s also in my favor. And I don’t even enjoy golf (goddamn windmills!), but I’d do that just to keep up the image. Yes, Dr. Kurt is at your service.

What is the point of all this? The point is: Ladies, I’m a doctor.

I remember arriving on time and the woman I was supposed to be working for arrived late. They had footage from 911 on TV and she glanced at it and said she was late because of the 911 news. It seemed strange to me that she would be late because of that. I mean, really? On that day, it could be used as an excuse. “Why were you late?” “911.” “Oh, yes, of course.” Am I being callous? No. If you’re going to come to work, just come to work on time. Maybe anniversaries just aren’t a big deal to me. I can love where I live any day, not just on the 4th of July, I eat cake on other days besides my birthday, and I can certainly buy my wife flowers on days besides our anniversary. Granted, I don’t have a wife, but if I did, I would buy her flowers.

The CEO or whoever it was of this company that I can’t remember called everyone into a main area and gave a speech about the 911 anniversary, and all I remember about that was him saying that after World War II, the U.S. could have taken over the entire world, but chose not to do that. I think that’s what he said. That’s actually kind of interesting. He asked if anyone had anything to say. No one did, and I wondered what people would think if I started talking – someone who no one knew and was only working there for the day. He said that if anyone wanted to leave for a while and walk down to Ground Zero (which I don’t think was close by), they could. Could I? Could I spend my one day at that company walking down to Lower Manhattan? No, probably not. I stayed in the office.

I worked two jobs those days. After the 9-5 temp work I would do deliveries at night, which I did for a couple years. While walking to my next job, I felt the wind in New York like I had never felt it before. A woman smiled and said to me, “Maybe these are the spirits.” And I kind of thought maybe she was right.

Last fall I was performing “Straight Man” for ten Saturdays in an artist collective space on the edge of Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn. The show went well, made a small profit, and was a lot of fun to do. One Saturday I was in the bathroom standing by the sink, when I had a Eureka moment: This show is not for theater festivals, or at least Fringe festivals. Now, you would think I would have had this moment of realization when I actually played Fringe festivals and saw that, despite getting by far the best reviews of my career, the sizes of my audiences generally dwindled as the festival played on. What was left were the hardcore fans who would quote lines from the show. A cult audience!

Alison Cousins and I worked hard on the show to create something that would work on two levels – one being a show that, if you pay close attention to it, you can see the themes and connections that are being made. The other way you could watch it is as a broad sketch comedy show. I think people are more apt to try to find the connections and figure out what it’s all about. At festivals people may be seeing “Straight Man” after seeing two other shows in a row, and are generally prone to want to sit back and relax and not think hard about what’s going on on stage. I get that. A blogger friend of mine in Minneapolis had enjoyed the show, but said he had trouble describing it to people. That’s one reason why a show like “The One-Man Star Wars” was so successful on the Fringe: the title describes the show perfectly! Whereas my title doesn’t even connect with my show in a linear way. I am asking the audience to do a little work to take a ride with me, and they won’t be disappointed. But who is to say how I would feel at 10:30pm at a Fringe Festival after having sat through three shows already? Would I really want to sit and make an effort?

“The Last Straight Man In Theatre” has played over sixty shows now, and has sold out one: a sixty-seat venue at the Indianapolis Fringe last year. I like having a cult show. I also wouldn’t mind making money. I realized when I was at that bathroom sink in Bed-Stuy that the show works better as a stand-alone show. I also realized that I had already submitted the show to the Orlando and Montreal Fringe festivals.

I would like to see the show do good business in Orlando, and I am out handing out postcards and selling the show as best I can. Because of the fact that this festival is very gay oriented, the title of my show is especially strong here. Orlando is a great Fringe festival, with a lot of big local shows that could swallow up an out-of-towner like myself. So I am promoting the show to hopefully prevent that from happening. Orlando (and Montreal for the matter) is really a wild card. I have no idea how it will be received and how it will do at the box office. I do have a bit of a following in Orlando from doing “Hooray for Speech Therapy” in the same venue two years ago, so that helps.

It is a curiosity factor to me as to how the show will go. I am looking forward to seeing how things transpire. I do know that it is a tight show that was just performed last Friday in New York, so it is well-oiled. I also know that I will love doing the show, and will let the show connect with me as it always does in different ways depending on what my mood or feelings are at that moment. In the end, that’s all I really have control over.

A few years ago I read a book called “Effortless Mastery,” a book written for musicians, but it had a lot of good info for performers in general. One thing the book said was that you should never complain about having a small audience. The fact that ANYONE is spending their time and money to watch you perform is an honor and a privilege.

And it is. It really is.

1. Do 75 shows this year. I achieved this, and finish out the year with 86 performances. This has been my best acting year in a long time. “The Last Straight Man In Theatre,” while not a box office hit, got great reviews and a wonderful response from the people who saw it. Some people told me that they quoted the show, and that it had a “mnemonic quality.” The show played to sparse houses (and amazing reviews) in Fresno and dwindling audiences in Ottawa (with more incredible reviews). Then the show did a U.S. midwest tour, playing to tiny houses in Kansas City, becoming possibly the lowest grossing show in the Minnesota Fringe, and then picking up with one great one-off show in De Pere, Wisconsin and actual decent box office (including the one and only sold out show!) and continued sky high reviews in Indianapolis.

I came back to New York in September and did a ten week run of the show at an artist collective space in Brooklyn called Flushnik Studios, at the cross section of Bushwick, Bed-Stuy, and Williamsburg. I got no press beyond a few listings, but people came out and supported the show and supported me. The show ran every Saturday night and each Saturday I had a different opening act. Improv, singers, bands, comedians. It ran the gamut. The show ended up making a tiny profit, and I’m very proud of that. Three years ago I produced a play (which I also acted in, but didn’t write) that spiraled out of control for me in terms of costs. I’ve learned from that, and it’s a step forward for me to be able to produce a show in New York again, and this time not lose money.

The second half of that comeback for me was being cast in “Black Peter” as Kris Kringle. I was once again in a play in New York, and it had been a long time since I had done that. A musical, with puppets! I was cast as a direct result of “The Last Straight Man In Theatre.” The writer/producer of the play, Pat Quigley, lived at Flushnik and saw my show several times. He told me about “Black Peter,” I read the script, auditioned, and was cast. The play ran for four weeks at Stage Left in Manhattan, beginning Thanksgiving weekend. The show was a challenge, hard work, and a great opportunity. I wasn’t sure how I would do in it, but in the end I received good feedback and was very pleased with the cumulation of the work that we did. It was a pleasure to work with the team involved with it.

This summer into the fall into the winter was the longest streak I’ve had doing live performances in years. I think it’s evidence that if you stick around long enough, you’ll get another good streak. With “The Last Straight Man In Theatre,” I think that the festival circuit is not the place for this show. I plan to do it in a few more festivals, and that’s it. I think the show takes some concentration, and when people are going from show-to-show in a festival they aren’t really primed to stop and focus. They want something that goes down easier. I understand that. The show is more likely to have success as a stand-alone show, in a run of its own or at a regional theater. The show played two regional shows this year to much success, in De Pere, WI, and Wellsboro, PA.

2. Go to the gym 200 times, meaning once a day for 200 days in 2010. I didn’t make 200, but I came fairly close with 184. Last year my goal was 100 times and I completed with 138. Plus last year’s goal was achieved halfway through the year and by the time I got to the cold months of November and December I didn’t make it to the gym very much at all. This year I went consistently throughout the year.

3. Book goal – read “Personal Days,” which Gabe loaned me. I read it and gave it back to Gabe when I saw him at Wellsboro in October. Read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” I read it and didn’t care for it, and I have gotten grief from Tommy Nugent and Howard Heyman about that. This goal was achieved then.

4. Writing goal #1 – Write a story that I’ve had in my head. No, I did not do this. My writing was kind of neglected this year. Even my usual tour blog was replaced by a vlog (which helped accomplish another goal). In 2011 it will be very important to me to get back to writing.

5. Writing goal #2 – Write a TV pilot version of “The Last Straight Man In Theatre.” Nope, I didn’t accomplish my writing goals this year. This one I would like to do in 2011 and see what transpires with it.

6. Fan goal – Put up 3 new videos. This was accomplished. During my midwest tour I put up daily videos, resulting in 45 videos. And, yes, the series finale is in the works.

7. Procrastination vs. Goal goal – Make at least 100 calls to colleges and booking agents to get my solo show “Hooray for Speech Therapy” booked into colleges. To be honest, I can’t believe I actually achieved this, but I did. I finish the year with 114 calls.

People have told me for some years that my show would be perfect for colleges. Well, easier said than done, but at the end of March I was working at a day job for a few months, and began structuring my half hour lunch. I always ate at work, and spent fifteen minutes eating and fifteen minutes making 2 calls to schools, and sometimes a follow-up call as well. I’ve never been a great phone person, but I wanted to get the word out. I sent emails, too, and did research online learning about who to contact and the best way to do it.

When that spring semester had ended, I had booked two schools for the fall. When the fall came, one of the shows had to be rescheduled, so I just did one – Clarion University, PA. The show went exceptionally well. It was the 79th overall performance of “Hooray,” and I realized while doing the show how far I’ve come. I hadn’t performed to such a large group of college-aged people before, but I was quickly able to gauge the crowd and see what they were responding to. I could direct my performance toward what was working with the crowd, and the show was a huge success. I’ve been doing that show since 2003 and it’s still growing, and I’m still growing as a performer. I can’t wait to do it again. I hope to even do a festival with it in 2011.

At Clarion I learned about the American Speech and Hearing Association convention in Philadelphia in November. I went to it! I attended during the student day and approached tables during the graduate school fair, as well as people from stuttering organizations and students. Some people were nonplussed, but many people were interested. From that, as well as from more phone calls I made, I have four possible college shows for the first half of 2011, including the one postponed from 2010. I’ll keep working on it and work on making it grow. Any leads or advice are welcome.

*******

When you think of summer, you sometimes think of the summer blockbusters that are coming your way, featuring major movie stars. What you don’t consider is that I am one of the major movie stars. You see, I Am The Summer Movies. But you already knew that from the title.

“You Don’t Know Jack”

The summer season started early, with this movie that debuted on HBO on April 24. It stars Oscar winning actors Al Pacino and Susan Sarandon and is directed by Oscar winning director Barry Levinson. And, of course, it stars me. I play the role of a guy in a restaurant. The scene was shot in an actual restaurant in Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn on September 4. It was the first paid acting job I got after my 2009 tour. This was one of those movies where they match you up with someone. I was put at a table with a woman who I guess they assumed would be my ideal wife/girlfriend/date. If I remember correctly, she was complaining a lot between takes, mostly about money. I met another woman there who told me proudly that during the shoot, one of the principle actors spoke to her. She was standing by the food near the craft service table, and the actor said something like, “Excuse me, I want to get a pretzel.” She was genuinely thrilled that an actor who had actual lines had exerted enough energy and magnanimous glory to speak to her. And it wasn’t even Al Pacino or Susan Sarandon. No name actors were even there that day.

I regretted doing this shoot. My girlfriend at the time was playing a gig at the Jersey shore and I could have gone there instead. That way I would have worked on this movie on another day and probably would have worked with Al Pacino and I could have written about him instead of writing about a woman who was complaining about money.

“Salt”

Angelina Jolie stars in this spy thriller. Or does she? I didn’t see her, but I have seen the scene I was in in the trailer. You know the scene where the church is blowing up? I’m one of the people running out. My friend Jill Brynildsen and I were running out from the back, laughing. I heard a production assistant say, “Yeah, that’s real appropriate. LAUGHING when a bomb is going off!” She didn’t actually say it directly TO us, though. I think at the time we were going to laugh at anything, so even a bomb going off in a church was going to elicit chuckles.

I was annoyed during this shoot because they had filled the church up with people, and I was put way in the back. They put me on the edge and I surrounded by dummies. Yes, big giant life sized dolls were doing the same job I was doing. I was so far away from the camera that I was actually reading a book WHILE THEY WERE SHOOTING. I was originally hired to work on this for three days, and was very pleased that they released me after for one day. It was the most boring shoot ever, and I had to sit on a hard wooden church pew all day. I hope the movie is more exciting.

“Salt” opened nationwide on July 23.

“The Other Guys”

When you work on a movie doing background work, you usually just get hired for one scene. I guess they don’t want the same person popping up all over the place. Oddly, I worked on this movie in two or maybe even three scenes, towards the end of 2009. I think I got to work an extra day because I had a tuxedo.

You may see me in this. You won’t see me in a scene where Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are walking out of a police station and I am standing a mile away in the rain. You could possibly see me in a general street scene or reacting to a stunt scene. Where you MAY see me is in a scene shot at the MET where I walk right by Mark Wahlberg. They pulled me out after that one take and put me further back, though. But then the camera angle changed, they put me closer to him on the other side. So with the right editing, Mark Wahberg may be surrounded by Kurts.

“The Other Guys” opened nationwide on August 6.

“Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps”

Greed is good. That’s what I said when I took some extra food home in a Tupperware container from this shoot. Have you seen this movie or at least the trailer? There is a scene where Michael Douglas is talking to a big crowd of people. I’m one of them, but I can’t find myself. I was put way up to top left frame corner. You couldn’t be further away.

There is a exceptionally hot girl who I see sometimes doing background work. I once loaned her a magazine. I noticed that she was put front and center during that crowd scene, and she didn’t seem too thrilled about it. Michael Douglas was probably staring her down the whole time, getting ready to pounce on her and see if she wanted to borrow a magazine.

Shot at Fordham University in the Bronx on a Saturday, I got to work with extras who were recent graduates and teachers. I liked that because it was a welcome relief from hearing about headshots or the mechanics of joining the actor’s unions. What a bore that is.

“Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps” opened nationwide on September 24.

1. Do 75 shows this year. As of Oct. 1, I have done 61. I am amidst a 10 week run of “The Last Straight Man In Theatre” in Brooklyn now, and I’m doing monthly shows with Sunday Night Improv and Lindy Loo’s Country Cuzins in NYC. Toured the Midwest this past summer. With live performances I am going strong.

2. Go to the gym 200 times, meaning once a day for 200 days throughout 2010. As of Oct. 1, I have gone 131 times, which means I am not on schedule. I could still make this goal, but I have to get myself out almost every day. Wish me luck with this.

3. Book goal – I chose to read the book Gabe Hakvaag loaned me, “Personal Days” – in fact I’ll be giving it back to him next week. Also “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” I read both of them and didn’t care for either one. Goal achieved.

4. Writing goal #1 – Write that story that has been locked in my head for years. Well, it’s still in there.

5. Writing goal #2 – Adapt “The Last Straight Man In Theatre” into a TV pilot script. Sounds like a good idea. As of Oct. 1, it has remained an idea.

6. Fan goal – Put up 3 new videos. I have done this and beyond. When I did my Midwest tour I posted a video every single day, resulting in 45 videos. A series finale is still on its way. I believe that when I had originally set this goal, I was thinking of doing some of my complicated multi-character short films, which would have taken a lot of time to produce. The daily tour videos were fairly simple to do, but did take a consistent commitment. So therefore… Goal achieved.

7. Procrastination vs. Goal goal – Make at least 100 calls to colleges or booking agents to get my show “Hooray for Speech Therapy” performed at schools. This goal I am very proud of, because last spring I started consistently making 2 calls a day to schools, and it resulted in me booking two college shows for this fall semester. I have not reached 100 yet, but I am up to 90.

I have also been following up on leads, which I have been very bad at in the past. This is a goal that I need to keep myself going with, because I easily slack off on it again – I have NO idea why I do, but I do. But 90 calls is 89 more than I made in 2009.

The Last Straight Man In Theatre
✮✮✮✮ (out of five)

This show is perhaps the only one this year where a single performer interacts with a projection of himself on a wall. While the idea might sound gimmicky at first, actor and writer Kurt Fitzpatrick pulls it off quite well. Fitzpatrick deftly and comically jumps between his myriad characters, both on and off the screen, creating hilarious conversations with himself. The resulting, multilayered interactions often have the feel of successful sketch comedy. Fitzpatrick’s characters weave in and out of each other’s stories and jokes spring to life in perpetually renewed and fresh contexts.