Regarding My “Gossip Girl” Appearance

I was told by a handful of people that I appeared on the CW television series “Gossip Girl” last Monday night in the episode “The Sixteen Year Old Virgin.” I did not play the actual gossip girl, or the sixteen year old virgin in question, but I did indeed appear on the program.

Feeling that good-looking people should begin appearing on “Gossip Girl,” and to try to elevate the reportedly sagging ratings*, the producers approached me about coming back on the show, under the guise of hiring me as a “background actor.” You see, I had previously appeared a few other episodes, such as when I played a wealthy patron at the opera, as well as playing the post-modern role of “Uncle Kurt van der Woodsen” in an entirely different episode. I believe I appeared on two additional episodes as well, but nothing has caused more of a buzz than “The Sixteen Year Old Virgin” episode.

In in, I play one of the hoity toity, cheeky, highfalutin’, haughty, (Hey, have you checked out thesaurus.com? It’s awesome!), uppity Upper East Side party guests at the New York Historical Society. If you watch the episode, you’ll see that not everyone gets invited to these parties. And, for me, I get the pleasure of watching the episode at home, and whenever the party is mentioned or foreshadowed, I yelp, “I’ll be at the party!”

And sure enough I am. You can tell how important a man I am at this party, because I’m wearing a tie. The first time you see me, I am virtually a text book illustration from Stanislavski’s “An Actor Prepares.” At a little over twenty-three minutes into the program, a scandal-plagued Chuck Bass enters the party, and you see me, looking at him and being judgmental.

At the time I was talking to a man with strange hair who I think had a Greek accent and a very attractive woman who told me later that the Greek guy was talking to her incessantly and annoying her. This is the backstory that I experienced, and didn’t even show up in the episode. It seems the American public is more interested in seeing people having or talking about sex than watching a middle-aged Greek man chat on and on about nothing while I try to look interested and the attractive women looks off into space. And why was my character not in the “people having or talking about sex” scenes? I smell a letter to the CW in the works.

When Damon punches Nate in the face, once again my character is there, being concerned. Some would say that with the acting chops I displayed in this episode that I should appear in bigger and better things. “Why not star in your own show?” people ask. “It could be a spin-off called ‘Gossip Boy!'” I tell them I prefer to be realistic, and I wish to be involved in higher quality material, such as classic Russian literature. My current goal is to work as a background actor within a Tolstoy novel. I feel that that is a realistic plan for me.

In the meantime, look for the upcoming “Gossip Girl” episode where the gang are at a fashion show, as I’m in that one as well. And the upcoming “Ugly Betty” where I play a waiter at a wedding. But I’m not just any waiter, you know.

* I got this ratings info from gossipgirlinsider.com

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