Dr. Kurt Fitzpatrick, MD

Earlier this year I convinced myself that I could be a lawyer, without having attended law school or passing the bar exam. In a very short period of time, I was hired to portray a lawyer on “Law and Order: SVU,” “Person of Interest,” and “The Good Wife.” In fact, on “The Good Wife” I played an equity lawyer, meaning that I am part owner of that firm. I believe that I could represent someone and their case, but so far no one has “retained” my services, or whatver the word is. I firmly believe that “Law and Order” has more name recognition than most law schools, thus giving me legitimate credentials.

Today I had another thought – I could be a doctor. Not a surgeon, or a specialty doctor, but a general practitioner. I will not need any pre-med, medical school, residency, or very much training at all. I will set up an office, and you will come. First my nurse or assistant or whoever that person is will weigh you and ask you what’s wrong – or something like that. Then they will tell you to wait for me. I will enter in a friendly way and give you about three basic tests, like reflexes and that popsicle under the tongue thing.

You will then tell me what’s wrong, essentially diagnosing yourself. If you’re lucky, I will actually diagnose you with a good guess, or I may just walk out of the room and leave you wondering. If you have a specific problem that I don’t know anything about (which is just about everything beyond having a cold) I will send you off to see a specialist, e.g. my buddy I play golf with who is at least trained in something specific. So I’m off the hook. If not, I will give you a general prescription, and you’ll be on your way!

At 11:30am, I’m done for the day and it’s off to lunch and a round of golf. I’d be an ethical doctor and not milk you for your health insurance by giving you some weird and unnecessary tests, so that’s also in my favor. And I don’t even enjoy golf (goddamn windmills!), but I’d do that just to keep up the image. Yes, Dr. Kurt is at your service.

What is the point of all this? The point is: Ladies, I’m a doctor.

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